American in Spain

Facebook to Introduce Enemies List

December 12, 2014

Zuckerberg-QA-2MENLO PARK, CA - At a press conference and Q&A session held at Facebook's corporate headquarters in California today, Mark Zuckerberg, the founder and CEO of the biggest and most important social network in history, admitted that there may be plans to release a new feature of the website: The Enemies List. "Just as everyone can list off their best friends," explained Zuckerberg, "most of us can also list a few enemies, people upon whom we actively wish harm. *cough* Sorkin *cough*"

As Facebook sees it, the social graph is only half complete. "How can we build a complete social graph if we continue to ignore the darker side of social relationships?", the CEO rhetorically questioned.

The way it works will be simple. If you understand the Friends List, the Enemies List will be obvious to you. You send an Enemy Request to those people that you don't like, and if they accept it, you will become mutual enemies. "In our beta testing, the simple act of receiving an Enemy Request is usually enough to guarantee an acceptance," read the accompanying press release.

Just like with Friends, when you visit someone's profile, you will be able to see your Mutual Enemies. The proverb, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend," dates back to the fourth century BC. By marking your enemies, Facebook hopes that you will also expand your Friend List, by friending those people who also hate the same people and brands that you do.


Zuckerberg closed by quoting Michael Corleone, in The Godfather Part II, "My father taught me many things here — he taught me in this room. He taught me — keep your friends close but your enemies closer."

Soon, you will be able to keep them in a public list on your social profile!


This post is satire, riffing on the announcement today that Facebook is considering a "dislike" button.